What’s the definition of optimism?
An Investment Banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday evening.
What’s the difference between the CNN’s business editor Robert Peston and God?
God doesn’t think he’s Robert Peston.
I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on.
…He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.
Record unemployment levels have been announced today as the credit crunch tightens its grip.
…Icelandic bank robbery is reported to be among the worst hit sectors.
What do you call five hedge fund managers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
A man went to his bank manager and said: ‘I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?’
‘Simple,’ said the bank manager.
‘Buy a big one and wait.’
What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Due to the credit crunch I have started shopping at cheaper supermarkets.
Has anyone tried the Korean meatballs from Aldi?
They are the dogs’ bollocks.
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Why have real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
Because otherwise they’d have nothing to do in the afternoon.
Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: ‘You know, I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.’ Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: ‘Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.’ Gordon says: ‘Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.’ The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: ‘I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.
A rich, dying man, laid on his deathbed, requested to be joined at his bedside by his vicar, his bank manager and his lawyer…
He instructed them that he wished to be buried, when he finally passed away, along with all his money. He gave each of them fifty thousand pounds and asked them to throw the money on top of his coffin, in the burial plot, when he died.
A couple of days later the old man passed away and was buried within the week. At the wake, the three men were chatting and the vicar was suddenly overcome with guilt. He confessed to the other two that he had only thrown only half of the money onto the coffin, as the church needed urgent repairs to the roof.
The bank manager thought, ‘What the heck if we are having a confession,’ and told the other two men that he had also only thrown half the money in, as the ‘Credit Crunch’ was hitting hard and he needed some money for the bank to stop it going bust. The lawyer jumped up and said to the other two, ‘I think that is a shameful act on both of you. I threw a cheque in for the full amount!”
I went to the cash machine this morning and it said “insufficient funds”
. I’m wondering is it them or me.
The credit crunch is getting bad isn’t it? I mean, I let my brother borrow £10 a couple of weeks back,
it turns out I’m now the UK’s third biggest lender.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker’s wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating,
“…and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!”
What’s the difference between Investment Bankers and Pigeons?
The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW’s.
A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer,
he winds down his window and asks: ‘What’s the hold-up?’ The policeman replies: ‘The Prime Minister is so depressed he’s stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we’re taking up a collection for him.’ The lobbyist asks: ‘How much have you got so far?’
The officer replies: ‘About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.’